The Basic Rules for Dealing with In- Laws

Your in-laws are a crucial part of your spouse's life. This makes them a crucial part of your life as well. No one ever said it was easy to balance your needs with the needs of others -- especially the needs of an entire new family. But creating family harmony is possible -- and it's very much worth the effort. You realize it won't be easy to build bridges -- and rebuild some that have been burnt -- but you also realize that it's a valuable way to spend your time. The return you get on your investment will last the rest of your married life. Here are some ideas to get you started.

1. Work with your spouse. This is the key rule, numero uno, the whole enchilada. As my wonderful husband reminded me last night, dealing effectively with in-laws all starts with first working conflicts through with your spouse. Remember, you're in this together. Never put your spouse in a situation where he or she has to choose between you and a relative. If you do so, you're putting your spouse in a nearly impossible bind. Instead, try to understand the bond your spouse has with his or her grandparents, parents, and siblings. If possible, try to support that relationship. Even if your spouse has parents from hell, they are his or her parents.

2. Set boundaries and limits.
No candy before mealtime for the kids? No loans
for in-laws? With your spouse, decide what's
important and what's not. For example, we let our
kids eat anything they want anytime. Want ice
cream ten minutes before dinner? Fine by me…
as long as you eat a reasonable dinner. But we're
really, really picky about school work. I don't
think it has dawned on my kids yet that there is a
grade below "A." Working as a team, set your
family values. Then communicate your values to
your in-laws. All of your values and all of your
in-laws.

Speaking of boundaries, don't make promises
that you can't keep. Remember Neville
Chamberlain, Hitler, and Poland? In an attempt to
achieve "peace in our time," British politico
Neville Chamberlain gave Poland to Hitler as
part of the British appeasement policy.
Remember how well that worked? Hitler just
kept right on seizing chunks of Europe. Placating
people to keep the peace rarely solves the
problem -- especially if your in-laws are tyrants.

3. Enforce the boundaries and limits. Without being as inflexible as a teenager, stick to your guns. For example, if you don't want drop-in company, tell your in- laws that you'd prefer that they call before they show up at your doorstep. If they ignore you, don't answer the door the next time they just happen to drop-by. Even if they do have a lemon meringue pie.

4. Communicate directly.
Whenever possible, avoid communicating
through a third party. Don't ask your spouse to
talk to his sister about something she did that
hurt your feelings. Talk to your sister-in-law
directly.
If something bothers you, address it as soon as
possible. Sometimes it's a genuine problem; other
times, it might be a misunderstanding. Tori
married into a family whose members had been
born in Germany. Every time a family member
went into the kitchen, he or she shut the door --
often leaving Tori out. For years, she stewed over
the situation. Finally, she got up the courage to
ask her mother-in-law why she closed the
kitchen door. "Why, to keep in the heat," she
answered. "We always did that in Germany."
Closing the kitchen door had nothing to do with
Tori. A cultural misunderstanding had caused
years of distress for her -- which neither her in-
laws nor she ever realized.

5. Know yourself.
Shakespeare said it a zillion years ago, and the
advice still holds today: Don't try to remake
yourself into the person your in-laws want. For
example, what if they're looking for little Susie
Homemaker and you're a high-powered
corporate attorney? You're under no obligation
on your day off to bake Swedish rye bread and
churn your own butter. Get a manicure and call for some take-
out instead.

6. Get with the program.
Not every father-in-law lives to snake out your kitchen sink; not every mother-in-law dreams of baking cookies with her grandchildren. Put away the stereotypes and adjust your thinking to the reality of the situation. Don't expect what people can't deliver.